All I want for Christmas…

Dear Santa,

Cyril Ramaphosa

I have been good this year. On the other hand, perhaps I haven’t. It is hard to say. I am applying my mind and will let you know in due course. As a fan of your work, I am delighted to inform you that I am also applying my mind as to whether or not I should consider awarding you the Mendi Decoration for Bravery.

It takes courage to deliver gifts to kids in deprived areas where you could easily be shot or have your reindeer slaughtered for a festive shisa nyama. If that does happen, I will be quite happy to replace them with a brace of my finest Ankole cattle for a most reasonable price.

All I ask is that you leave the money inside the red sofa and not the blue one, which remains under investigation. I prefer unmarked dollar bills but, in the spirit of Christmas, euros will be fine. As for presents, all I need is a new spine and a fresh pair of testicles. Please leave these items in the bathroom rather than under the tree.

ALSO READ: High-speed trains, protest marches and Barcelona: A journey of reflection

John Steenhuisen

Howzit, boet. I smaak the outfit. Matches the colour my face turns when I have to deal with these ANC nitwits in Cabinet meetings. You have a lekker business model.

If this politics lark ever goes tits up, how about a partnership? Maybe a 60/40 split? I’ll take the 60, if you don’t mind. I’ve got some ideas about rejigging your distribution model.

Frinstance, not giving toys to children whose parents don’t pay tax. No point dishing out freebies to freeloaders. It only encourages them. If the DA had to provide proper housing and services to Cape Town’s poor, the entire Transkei would be on the N2 in a flash.

It’d be like the Great Trek, but not so great for people like you and me. You are white, aren’t you? I always took it for granted. Anyway, all I want for Christmas is for Roman Cabanac to disappear. Do whatever you have to, but if anyone asks, this never came from me.

ALSO READ: Murderers, pick up your game – South Africa’s rating is a crime

Jacob Zuma

Bayede! I greet you according to Zulu tradition even though you are not my king, just like King Misuzulu is not my king because he supports the snake whose name I cannot mention.

Even though you are a construct of Western imperialism, I have always admired your methods. We are quite similar, you and me. You like to give stuff away for free, I love to get stuff for free. There was this one time when my old friend Schabir Shaik organised … are we off the record? I have everything I need – wives, goats, chickens, more children than I can count – but I would like one or two things.

First, please keep me out of jail. I am an old man who spent nine hard years struggling to bring his country to its knees. The second thing I ask is that I be president for one last time. In return, I will make you my deputy. You give, I take. A perfect arrangement!

Julius Malema

ALSO READ: JD Vance’s rise through Trump’s unpredictable orbit

I don’t believe in taking handouts from white people. Most white people. There are always exceptions.

But unlike my good friend Adriano Mazzotti, you are a white man with magical powers. You live in the North Pole and have no friends, which for me would be like living in Cape Town.

I have been a good boy this year, allowing some of my closest colleagues to join other parties instead of having them killed. If my party collapses, I would like to be the manager of your toy workshop. I have some ideas for a range of adorable improvised explosive devices. I promise not to unionise the elves.

Donald Trump

Hey, fat guy! Didja vote for me? If not, best you don’t set your sleigh down in the good ol’ US of A. My border guys will kick your gay ass all the way back to where you came from. If you voted for me, welcome on board. But forget the toy business. Giving toys to kids is for losers. They don’t vote. F**k ’em. I need an enforcer. Punish the good, reward the bad. You’ll get the hang of it.

ALSO READ: ‘Dear Donald Trump, Lord of the Fries…’

Benjamin Netanyahu

Shalom. I have had Mossad check you out, my friend, and I have doubts. Could I trust a goy not to tie me up while I am asleep and deliver me to the International Criminal Court? I am not suggesting we would sleep in the same bed.

And this business with the elves and the flying reindeer? Are you on drugs? They have names like Donner and Blitzen? I hope you are not a Nazi sympathiser. Never mind. We all have our crosses to bear.

I need your help. My people will contact your people. A warning, though. If you fly your sleigh into our airspace and get shot down, it will be your fault, not mine. We will then have to destroy your workshop to deter further sleigh-based incursions. Nothing personal.

Vladimir Putin

ALSO READ: I’m not blowing any Trumpet

Privyet, Ded Moroz! Through the red of your robe, you spread the colour of communism around the world and I am grateful for that. But please eliminate the white fur trim.

That is too much BLT for me. Wait, that is the American sandwich. You know what I mean. We are men.

I ask only for one gift, comrade. Ukraine. Then, for next Christmas, Poland. After that, Germany. And maybe Belgium. That is all I want. For now.